Euthanasia: The 666 Solution to the Senior Problem
A parody is a story that makes, "A grotesque or bizarre imitation" of life. The synonyms include: caricature; burlesque; takeoff; and travesty.
GRANTS PASS, OR -- City Council members in Josephine County recently voted to restrict smoking in the city park. The council now realizes the power it wields to make meaningful social changes to protect society from its vices. Only one member of the council voted against this restrictive smoking law. Those who voted for the new no smoking law did so on the basis that second hand smoke is dangerous to the health and welfare of both children and adults in the park.
Following closely on the heels of the restrictive smoking law, a controversial euthanasia law has been approved by the council. With only one dissenting vote, progressive members of the Grants Pass City Council have enacted a radical new law that makes euthanasia mandatory for senior citizens living within the city limits of Grants Pass.
I am interviewing a prominent city council member who has been a leading lobbyist in advocating childrenís rights. She readily admits to having voted for the restrictive no smoking law and the euthanasia law along with a majority of the city council.
Interviewer: "I'll address you as councilwoman as you have asked that your name not be used. Why do you believe this is the time for the city to make euthanasia the law within the boundaries of Grants Pass?"
Councilwoman: "I have no doubt that the benefits of euthanasia will be the "yellow brick road" leading to a Utopian society that's only dreamed about today. Grants Pass will be the guide for other communities to follow past the dangers of a surplus population waiting in the twenty-first century. Too many people expelling carbon dioxide could intensify the dangerous greenhouse effect and accelerate global warming. Excess carbon dioxide allows heating of the atmosphere by trapping the sunís rays and will eventually lead to the melting of the polar ice caps. When that occurs, the result will be the flooding of coastal cities and the possible destabilizing of the planet. The time to solve a problem is before it happens. There are millions of senior citizens expelling carbon dioxide. Many lead meaningless lives. They are a financial drain and burden to our society and the world community. They have lived their allowed time and now must leave in a dignified manner to protect the children of this community, nation, and planet. Euthanasia is the best answer!"
Interviewer: "What justification the do you have that allows you to apply the drastic step of euthanasia to the elderly?"
Councilwoman: "The Supreme Court ruled for abortion in the Roe vs. Wade decision. The difference between aborting a child with a developed central nervous system, a brain, and feelings is no different than euthanasia for the elderly. Both of these actions are the rights of society to protect itself from the unwanted. We must act now before we are all lost in a whirlpool of destruction. Surplus dogs and cats are killed on a regular basis at the animal shelters. Some countries have practiced euthanasia as the ultimate way to handle certain classes of citizens. In Africa millions die annually from the aids virus. What's the difference between planned population control and random population control by a virus? Isn't it better to protect the children and young while we can?"
Interviewer: "Why did you pick the age of 66 and six months, or as you call it, "The 666 solution for the senior problem?"
Councilwoman: "The city had to consent to certain requirements in the $20 million federal grant we received. This was a federal mandate within the grant."
Interviewer: "I'm sure our readers would like to know more about this grant."
Councilwoman: "The federal government has given Josephine County economic development grants under the EZ EC programs totaling millions of dollars in recent years. The county has been a test site for innovative new ideas to create the Great Society with more jobs, good health care, education, and community policing. Lyndon Johnson called it the "Great Society." The city of Grants Pass has been chosen to lead our nation into the next century. Euthanasia is the only way to resolve the health care crisis. Instead of medicare and social security being wasted on those over 66, this money can be better used to free children from the chains of poverty. There will be more federal dollars available for grants to benefit society rather than spending it on seniors who only ultimately waste resources. For these reasons the federal government has given the city of Grants Pass $20 million to launch this innovative new program to cure society's ills."
Interviewer: "Will there be any exemptions to the new city law?"
Councilwoman: "Yes, there will be certain exempt groups of individuals such as judges, attorneys, police, and anyone who has worked for city, county, state, or the federal government for at least two years. Outside of that there are no exceptions."
Interviewer: "You say that the euthanasia law only applies to seniors within the boundaries of Grants Pass?"
Councilwoman: "Yes, we only have jurisdiction within the city limits. However, other cities, counties, and states are interested in our program. When people see what a progressive program this really is, I believe they will join in supporting us. The process is very simple. The seniors will be sent notices on their 65th birthdays that they have a year and a half to settle their affairs and then report to the city's euthanasia center. They do have an option of leaving the city and moving elsewhere. However, they will not be allowed to take any assets with them. The IRS will seize all assets connected with their social security number, bank accounts, stocks, and bonds. If they voluntarily report to the euthanasia center, they will be allowed to give 25 percent of their estate to beneficiaries. The remainder will be split between city, state, and the IRS."
Interviewer: "How do you plan on euthanizing the seniors?"
Councilwoman: "The seniors or family members will have a choice of two methods that are very humane. The first is gas and the second is an injection. Both are painless and are over quickly. These methods have been proven humane and effective by states which have the death penalty. The city has contracted with a firm that will send a federally licensed semitruck with the necessary euthanasia equipment to Grants Pass when needed. This is expected to be a growth industry as other cities and eventually states take this progressive step into the 21st century."
Interviewer: "What do you do if a senior resists leaving his home?"
City Plays Hardball
Interviewer: "Does the council plan on any other innovative ways to solve social problems?"
Councilwoman: "Indeed we do, we have under study a new drug that can be inexpensively added to the cityís water supply. This drug will act as a sedative and reduce or eliminate hostility by individuals. It has been proven to alleviate stress and aggressive behavior in laboratory rats. Another area the council is interested in is a city ordinance for scoffers of the law. It will be three strikes and euthanasia. Those who violate the city's new law against skateboards and bicycles on downtown sidewalks may want to take that into consideration."
Interviewer: "Welcome to the brave new world where government solves social problems in ways that you may not like, especially if you fall under the 666 solution."